I am

Make yourself what you want to be.  Become the change you wish to see.

I am kind
I am compassionate
I am honest
I am hard-working
I am confident
I am persistent
I am selfless
I am considerate
I am dedicated
I am helpful
I am resilient
I am caring
I am loving
I am careful
I am respectful
I am tolerant

...Planning a healthy habit

I don't know how to start today.  My mind feels like a swirling vortex, bringing in more and more thoughts, goals, stressors, feelings, desires, plans, questions... just round and round from one to the next til they blend and morph into dark storm clouds spewing lightning.

I am going to begin a deliberate habit tomorrow.  My alarm will go off at 6:30, I'll roll out of bed, grab the shorts, shirt, and socks sitting out, grab my keys, put on my shoes, chug some water, go downstairs, and use the elliptical for 20 minutes.  I will keep resistance low, just striving for activity.  If the elliptical is occupied, I'll use one of the other machines.  When I finish, I'll go back upstairs, drink a glass of orange juice, and take a shower.  This will be a daily routine, including when I travel.  20 minutes of low-intensity cardio daily is a reasonable amount of exercise to start with, and once the habit is established, I can increase intensity, life weights instead, or add more activity.

Seemed So Real

[An idea for a short story I seem to have gotten very excited about...]

Everyone has moments when they struggle to remember, was that detail real, or did I dream it?  The main character of this short story would start with a similar experience, but then continue going through a series of surreal dreamscapes that lend more and more confusion to what details and memories are real, and which come from dreams.

The story can draw on situations where memory is typically a little fuzzy (drinking, fights) and on behavioral routines, where an action is taken with barely any thought.  Perhaps cues occur in unusual contexts or unexpected times, maybe the main character said something automatically but doesn't remember.  These habits could be triggered within the dreamscape, easily confusing memories of the action that really happened in the real-life habit loop.

By the end of the book, the reader, too, could be left wondering what was a dream and what was really the character's experience.

Ramble On

This entry is not intended to focus on any particular topic, but instead, the goal is to just... write.  It is hard sometimes.  I originally started this journal as a 0 stress place to practice writing, but I quickly came up with rules.  One topic.  One page.  Make it look nice, don't just make lists or dump your thoughts.  Well, now when I feel like being productive and creative, I struggle to get going because I need something that fits within my rules. 

I started an empty Blog site with Google, thinking I could put my musings there, so if I ever wanted to share, I'd already have content ready to go.  But I know both too little and too much.  I know I'm capable of web design (or at least programming) even if I'm inexperienced, but I don't know anything about attracting attention or capitalizing on it.  I could just make it my mental dumping ground, assuming I'd only ever share content after review.  It could become an alternate journal in that way.  Sorry Journal, I'm not saying I'd phase you out. [Written in my physical journal...]  Writing in pencil & paper has always felt more satisfying for me, and more productive.

Anyway, enough anthropomorphizing my journal.  Paper or blog, I could use writing to better absorb content from the books I read.  I've been concerned with my reading style that I don't keep information long term, so even though I've read many books about psychology, growth, and influence, I have a difficult time doing anything more than recognizing a concept that comes up again in a different book.  I could also use writing as a way to stay engaged and practice with programming and other technical skills.  Same concept as with the books - write to share and teach, because that helps you find your gaps and (hopefully) provides motivation.

In terms of popular blogging, I'd have a hard time being successful, I think.  Bloggers generally define themselves as experts in an area and people return to them for that expertise, or style of entertainment.  Hank Green could be a model for success in that area, and his method has been to create a new show/channel/podcast for every type of idea.  Some are clearly related and follow a format, such as SciShow (regular, Space, Psych).  But that's not something I have to worry about.

It's so easy being reductionist, or over thinking a simple concept.  Why think about writing commercially when my current goal is simply to create some habits, express creativity, and exercise my mind?  Even as I evaluate the sentences I just wrote, internal debate flares.  Don't I have a larger goal even if it isn't well defined?  If my writing is idle and meant for the garbage or recycling, can't I just put down the pencil and think?  But I don't.  Instead, I look to my phone or computer for distraction.  Writing slows down the thoughts that come out, allowing me to think about my thoughts between the time they occur and the time they are committed to paper.  This is definitely helpful for focusing and for behavioral analysis. 

And sure, I do write with the thought of going public, whether through a blog, a book, a vlog, or a podcast.  As long as that thought doesn't drown me in self-doubt or endless trails of investigating things I don't know (what's it take to publish a free book on Amazon?), it can be helpful.  It can shape my practice.  Because people who became very good at something practice a lot, but it is focused, intentional practice.  Do I need to clarify my goal?  My bigger-picture, long-term goal?  It would help, I suppose.  This isn't worthless without that definition, but it is a slower, meandering path.

Europe

If all goes well, I will begin the move to Europe in 2 to 3 months.  After 4 years of talking about it, I feel doubtful, excited, exasperated, and somehow, not ready.  In 4 years, I could have developed a basic competency in German, but instead only have a few months of DuoLingo under my belt.  Gabb's only been to Germany for 1 week, and we both worked.  Then there's also the question of whether I want to stay with my company and career direction. 

But if I focus on being excited, I think about living in a bigger city, with lots of international food, without a car.  I picture the castles of varying size and condition, the cathedrals, the Roman ruins.  Weekend trips will be to other countries instead of the Black Hills or Twin Cities.  And in all this, the culture will be far more life-centric and less work-centric. So what will it all mean to me?  A break with South Dakota.  A break with Gabb's work, and a chance to redefine her career.  A whole lot of unknown.

Cue. Action. Reward.

The steps to forming a habit, whether good or bad.

Stress ⇨ Buy a snack ⇨ Get sugary or salty taste

Alarm Clock ⇨ Run ⇨ Release endorphins

Boredom ⇨ Scroll Pinterest ⇨ Excite your brain with new things

My goal is to recognize the cues that lead t negative actions and the rewards that come from negative actions, and to create and enforce the cues and rewards associated with positive actions.

Writing, itself, is something I would like to form into a habit.  It helps focus your thoughts, exercise your creativity, and requires some brain activity.  I had fun writing about my characters for D&D recently, which got me thinking about whether I would prefer writing creative fiction, expressive journaling, informational non-fiction, or a combination of those.

5 years later: D&D campaign short

...warning, some swearing ahead






Fitz looked down at an odd angular block coming out of the ground. It was too far down to tell if it was just a rock, but just looking at it made him feel...angry. “Snek, go check it out. “. Snek folded his wings and plunged 1200 feet down like a bolt. Just before hitting the ground, he leveled out and flared his wings, coming to a gentle slithering landing.

A few minutes later Snek and Fitz were flying south again, the dark block stuffed in a bag of holding. The aura of anger couldn’t invade Fitz’s mood from in there. “Darkness fucks leaving all their shit behind, bastards knew they were going out and they tried leaving traps and corruption anyways. If only those dumbass villagers didn’t play with every damn piece of...” Wait. Fitz gave himself a shake. The anger was a quick contagion, a few seconds of close contact and he was cursing up a storm.

“Snek, take us to the shop, I’m going to meditate.” Calm seeped back into Fitz. When his eyes finally opened again, his broom of flying was hovering just above the containment box he built for the Darkness’s left behind magical artifacts. Snek held the lid open. As Fitz dumped the anger block in, he felt, just for a moment, that the hundreds of dangerous items peaking out of the shadows of the box might be enough to counterbalance the mistakes he had made in the Feywild. A dull pain grew behind his eyes. “No. I shall never go back.”

The lid slammed shut with nobody to care, because Fitz and Snek were already back in the air.

Vacation

Tomorrow begins anew the stress and endless torment of doing things other people care about so that I can afford to do things I care about.  And that, of course, is because Gabb and I just got back from a two week trip doing some of the things we care about most: hiking, wildlife viewing, and learning in the National Parks.  A quick summary of our trip...

6 National Parks

• Theodore Roosevelt
• Glacier
• Yellowstone
• Grand Teton
• Arches
• Black Canyon of the Gunnison

Lots of Wildlife

• 10 moose
• 9 black bears (5 of them cubs)
• 1 red fox
• 10-15 mountain goats
• 10-15 big horn sheep
• Countless mule deer, squirrels, and chipmunks
• HERDS of bison and elk

Long Hikes

• Red Rock Falls (and beyond)
• Grinnell Glacier
• Geyser Boardwalk
• Cascade Canyon
• Fiery Furnace
• Devil's Garden and Primitive Trail

This type of trip has come to be my favorite.  We take our own car, drive to places with amazing landscapes, disconnect, and go explore.  Some of the parks are extremely popular, but once you're on a trail, there are fewer people.  The ones that remain generally seem more pleasant, too.  

Our 2018 National Parks road trip felt urgently needed, in spite of being within a year of two other major vacations - China (+Tokyo) and Disney / Universal / Gulf Coast.  In the 7 months since our Florida trip, I've also been to Europe twice for a total of 4 weeks for work.  And now that I'm back, I'm eager to think about what parks we can visit next.  This is a strong statement about both our desired lifestyle and how great the parks can be.  It would be quite alright to spend a few years working remotely, living and traveling in a van, and taking our time seeing the country.

Passion

Have I ever really been passionate about anything?  My interests have always been all over the place, in a good way, meaning I don't find it too difficult to find something worth my attention in just about any subject or situation.  But that does not trigger passion on its own.  Even saying "trigger" probably indicates a fault in my attitude about passion. 

Passion grows, it doesn't just click into place.  It requires interest, but also deeper experience or understanding, as well as perceived benefits both to me and to others.  I feel as though I could be passionate about things like robotics, autonomous vehicles, alternative fuel vehicles, alternative energy, drones, design of systems, sensors, data, nature conservancy...

So what holds me back from pursuing any of these and testing that theory?  Location is certainly a part of it.  I have the impression I'd need to move to a tech hotspot.  Self-doubt is also a piece.  I'd have to compete for jobs with other people who are very smart and focused.  But who says I can't just try?